Looking Back

"Try as we may, happy as we were, we can't go back." One of my favorite quotes from the movie North and South (BBC).

So often in my life that quote is applicable. Change is hard. The hardest part about getting older and moving forward is looking back. I miss things about my life in the past. But the truth is even if I went back to those things they wouldn't be the same, because they have changed too. But I miss the past, so many cherished memories fill me with longing, even as I know there will be wonderful days to come.

I walk through Meijer, and I miss the simplicity of my job when I worked there. No one's life depended on me, my job was simple and I was good at it, but it didn't require much of me, the cost was very minimal. There were so many good times, days filled with laughter. I miss working in the garden center and getting soaked from head to toe from watering the plants, and being glad I was wet because it was so hot out. I miss working in the bakery and running around for 8 hours straight making cookies and strudels, etc. I miss the nights where it was slow and my department looked flawless.

It's always easy to forget the bad times, and to forget the wonderful things I have now. It's hard to balance joy in the past and in the present. It's true that working as a nurse is exhausting. Not just physically, but mentally, emotionally, even spiritually. It's unpredictable, and constantly changing. And the responsibility is enormous. Sometimes it's easy for me to remember all the exhausting things about my job and forget the joys. To forget the nights where my patient is all alone and needs a squeeze on the hand and a reminder that they are important and not alone. The nights where I get the joy of seeing someone who has had a stroke make huge progress in regaining the use of their limbs. I could go on and on... patients who were a joy, patients who made me crazy, patients who made me cry, patients who were dying, etc....
God has given me the blessing of being a part of some of the most difficult, vulnerable, and important moments in people's lives. And that is exhausting. But it's an amazing and incredible privilege.

So point being, it is easy to become discontent, to think on all the negatives and get caught up in that. But at the end of the day it's important to keep things in perspective. Yes, there are always going to be times where I hate my job, am tired of my life, miss carefree days where I could hangout with my friends all the time, or long for something beyond my grasp. But I have to remember there will be good days, days filled with joy and love and laughter and making new memories. God has given me so much. When I remember that there are people in this world that don't have a choice in how they live, I am so thankful, and I feel so unworthy.

God gives each of us a gift every single day. He gives us life. And He says, "Ok, now do something with it today to glorify Me." It's up to us whether we will do so or not.

Thanks for bearing with me and my emotional rampage in this blog. I just feel like discontentment is a terrible tool that satan uses to immobilize us (like fear) and I think it's important for us to remember that God wants to do something amazing in our life every day, if only we will let Him.