Well, it is September! Where did my summer go? It feels like a dream it went by so quickly.
So much has happened since my blog and yet, my life continues on as though nothing has changed some days. I graduated Nursing College June 23rd! :) Then we went on vacation, which was awesome. Then most of my summer was working like crazy at meijer and spending every minute not working with friends and family, trying to enjoy my last few days with my sisters before they both left and I became an only child for the first time. As the third child out of four, I can tell you I never even considered the thought that one day I might be the only chick left in the nest, LOL. My baby sister is now @ college and my older sister is back teaching overseas.
About Mid-July, I realized that some changes were going to occur soon, my sisters were leaving, I needed to take my State Boards to get my license, my future was uncertain, and I never had time to work @ the assisted living where I work on call. So I made one of the most difficult decisions in my life. I gave Meijer (where I had worked for 4 years) my resignation. For most people it is hard to understand why leaving retail would ever be a difficult decision, but for me it was. I had worked there for 4 years and in that time, I had developed a place where I fit, I loved the people I worked with, I knew how to do my job well, my managers trusted me, and I liked the job most days. But I knew that when I had signed up for Nursing College, that the day would come where I would leave that job behind me, it was not what God had called me to. Therefore, I handed my store director my letter of resignation, and two weeks later, I became just an ordinary customer. I confess there have been some bittersweet moments, but change isn't usually easy.
So having made the decision to leave meijer I looked @ my state boards with dread. I had registered for the end of August and it seemed forever away, looming in the distance, hanging over my head. The weight of so much uncertainty and stress pushed me to make another decision. I rescheduled my test for a day less than one week from my last day at meijer. I knew it was somewhat crazy, but I always worked better under pressure, and pass or fail, I needed to face the test and wanted to be done thinking about it. So I took it, and though it took a few days for me to truly believe it, I PASSED. After 3 years of school, and numerous days when I didn't think I could do it, I am a RN.
A week later we dropped my little sister off at college. My days since then have included working a few days a week @ the assisted living, starting a bible study for the girls at my church, watching movies, reading books, spending time with friends, cleaning my room, and really anything else I want to do. It has been so nice, to have a time of rest, a season to recoup.
So here is the question everyone has been asking: "What now? Do you have a job? Where do you want to work? What will you do?"
My only answer is I don't have a clue.
For whatever reason, God has placed me in a season of my life, where I haven't the foggiest notion what He wants me to do. Of course, I have some ideas of things I would like to do, but I don't know yet whether they are my will or His and so I am in a season of waiting. Those who know me, know this, I am a Type A person, which means, I don't wait well. I like to plan, to map things out, to give my full attention to a goal. Well, I can't do that right now. So I am trying to learn how to live in the present and trust God with the future.
I have of course applied for many jobs, but as of yet haven't had a bite to speak of. I have searched and searched and searched the internet for a 2 month opportunity in overseas medical mission work, but haven't found anything that fits or is for right now. So I between a rock and a hard place so to speak. I don't know whether God is A) asking me to reach my Jerusalem, to work here in the States for a time, give up my dream of overseas for right now and be content where He has me OR B) asking me to consider sacrificing more than I have been willing to sacrifice up to this point, asking me to give more than a few months, to leave everything and everyone I know and lose a large amount of time with those I love to go somewhere overseas long-term.
I don't know what God has for me, so far no door either here or overseas has opened to me. But I am learning to trust that whatever He has planned, He has equipped me to face, and He will open the door when the time is right. I am trying to find a balance between waiting and doing nothing AND seeking so much in my own strength and not being still before Him. I confess that is a battle within me I am struggling with, how do I continue to apply for jobs, continue to search the internet, and still rest in Him, still wait before Him knowing that it is not my efforts that will bring His will about.
So that is where I am. I am waiting. I am waiting for the Lord to show me His will, I am waiting for the opportunities He will bring to help people, to serve people, to heal people. I long to use what I have learned to make a difference, but the question God has yet to answer to me is where and how and what kind of difference He would have me make.
"Are you more devoted to your idea of what Jesus wants than to Himself?" - Oswald Chambers
"Are you passionate about God's presence, or God's presents?"- a pastor in New York
"Let us know, let us pursue the knowledge of the LORD."- Hosea 6:3a
