Season of waiting

Well, it is September! Where did my summer go? It feels like a dream it went by so quickly.

So much has happened since my blog and yet, my life continues on as though nothing has changed some days. I graduated Nursing College June 23rd! :) Then we went on vacation, which was awesome. Then most of my summer was working like crazy at meijer and spending every minute not working with friends and family, trying to enjoy my last few days with my sisters before they both left and I became an only child for the first time. As the third child out of four, I can tell you I never even considered the thought that one day I might be the only chick left in the nest, LOL. My baby sister is now @ college and my older sister is back teaching overseas.

About Mid-July, I realized that some changes were going to occur soon, my sisters were leaving, I needed to take my State Boards to get my license, my future was uncertain, and I never had time to work @ the assisted living where I work on call. So I made one of the most difficult decisions in my life. I gave Meijer (where I had worked for 4 years) my resignation. For most people it is hard to understand why leaving retail would ever be a difficult decision, but for me it was. I had worked there for 4 years and in that time, I had developed a place where I fit, I loved the people I worked with, I knew how to do my job well, my managers trusted me, and I liked the job most days. But I knew that when I had signed up for Nursing College, that the day would come where I would leave that job behind me, it was not what God had called me to. Therefore, I handed my store director my letter of resignation, and two weeks later, I became just an ordinary customer. I confess there have been some bittersweet moments, but change isn't usually easy.

So having made the decision to leave meijer I looked @ my state boards with dread. I had registered for the end of August and it seemed forever away, looming in the distance, hanging over my head. The weight of so much uncertainty and stress pushed me to make another decision. I rescheduled my test for a day less than one week from my last day at meijer. I knew it was somewhat crazy, but I always worked better under pressure, and pass or fail, I needed to face the test and wanted to be done thinking about it. So I took it, and though it took a few days for me to truly believe it, I PASSED. After 3 years of school, and numerous days when I didn't think I could do it, I am a RN.

A week later we dropped my little sister off at college. My days since then have included working a few days a week @ the assisted living, starting a bible study for the girls at my church, watching movies, reading books, spending time with friends, cleaning my room, and really anything else I want to do. It has been so nice, to have a time of rest, a season to recoup.

So here is the question everyone has been asking: "What now? Do you have a job? Where do you want to work? What will you do?"
My only answer is I don't have a clue.

For whatever reason, God has placed me in a season of my life, where I haven't the foggiest notion what He wants me to do. Of course, I have some ideas of things I would like to do,  but I don't know yet whether they are my will or His and so I am in a season of waiting. Those who know me, know this, I am a Type A person, which means, I don't wait well. I like to plan, to map things out, to give my full attention to a goal. Well, I can't do that right now. So I am trying to learn how to live in the present and trust God with the future.

I have of course applied for many jobs, but as of yet haven't had a bite to speak of. I have searched and searched and searched the internet for a 2 month opportunity in overseas medical mission work, but haven't found anything that fits or is for right now. So I between a rock and a hard place so to speak. I don't know whether God is A) asking me to reach my Jerusalem, to work here in the States for a time, give up my dream of overseas for right now and be content where He has me OR B) asking me to consider sacrificing more than I have been willing to sacrifice up to this point, asking me to give more than a few months, to leave everything and everyone I know and lose a large amount of time with those I love to go somewhere overseas long-term.
I don't know what God has for me, so far no door either here or overseas has opened to me. But I am learning to trust that whatever He has planned, He has equipped me to face, and He will open the door when the time is right. I am trying to find a balance between waiting and doing nothing AND seeking so much in  my own strength and not being still before Him. I confess that is a battle within me I am struggling with, how do I continue to apply for jobs, continue to search the internet, and still rest in Him, still wait before Him knowing that it is not my efforts that will bring His will about.

So that is where I am. I am waiting. I am waiting for the Lord to show me His will, I am waiting for the opportunities He will bring to help people, to serve people, to heal people. I long to use what I have learned to make a difference, but the question God has yet to answer to me is where and how and what kind of difference He would have me make.

"Are you more devoted to your idea of what Jesus wants than to Himself?" - Oswald Chambers

"Are you passionate about God's presence, or God's presents?"- a pastor in New York

"Let us know, let us pursue the knowledge of the LORD."- Hosea 6:3a

A faithful God

So, I graduate in about 3 weeks from college. And as those who have graduated before know all too well, the first question people ask you when they talk to you is "so what are you going to do after you graduate?" or a common variation of that.
My current answer goes something like "I have no idea! :D my future is a great big blob, and I am just waiting for God to throw something into my lap!"
Most days, I am pretty ok with that. There are the occasional days where I get impatient and wish I knew what God has in store, but for now, I am ok with not knowing, I am trying to think of it as just adding to the mystery of the adventure.

 I confess I have tried to make plans, because that is very much how my type A personality like to do things, I was considering doing like a 2 month medical mission trip in October, which btw I still might do, but after searching the web for about a month, I just hadn't found anything that made me like SUPER EXCITED and want to sign up right away. For whatever reason, nothing seemed like it was the right fit. I have tons of connections through people for missions in Haiti and Honduras, and though the opportunities all sound amazing, I haven't felt God's leading in any one direction as of yet. So for the moment, I have stopped my search and said "Ok, God, if this is what You want, show me in Your time."

So in the meantime, I went ahead and applied at a few local jobs. I still have a few more I want to apply for but I figured, why not apply and see what happens? If God wants me to get a job, He will open that door, and then if He wants me to go overseas, He will work that out and open that door. And if neither of those things is what He has planned, He will show me what He has in mind. So I am trying to live by one of my life mottos by Oswald Chambers, "Trust God and do the next thing" and I am just waiting for God to show me what He has for me next. For now, He has asked me to be faithful these last three weeks as I finish school. I am backing working at Meijer for who knows how long, and I am also working at the assisted living PRN still.

So my plan as of right now is to do the tasks God has put in front of me, to finish school, to make some money, and to trust in His faithfulness. I know this is not the first time I felt like my future was uncertain, and it won't be the last, and God has always been faithful. The hardest part for me is the waiting. Patience is definitely one of my weakest character points. I like to rush ahead and have everything planned out. And God has been reminding me that no matter how much I may have delusioned myself into believing otherwise, I AM NOT IN CONTROL, He is, He has been, and He always will be, and I can trust Him. It is very hard for me to take my wandering thoughts about the future captive, to stop trying to plan and control and to just wait.

 So all of this to say one simple thing: God is faithful. Even though I don't know what He is going to do, I know that He has got this, that He has a plan, and that He will show me what to do in His perfect timing.

In other news, I have been reading in Ezekiel, and today I read Ezekiel 16 and it pretty much blew my mind, so you should check it out, its an amazing chapter that is just powerful. It is such a picture of God's love for Israel and it made me think of how we often act as Christians, how we can play the harlot, and how God desires all of us. I have been reading the book Captivating (I started it like a year ago and just now picked it back up again) and have really been struck by how as a female that longing -to be known and adored- is a characteristic of God, and that He longs for us to desire to know Him. Anyways, just some awesome things God has been talking to me about. :)
May He speak to you today in a powerful way about who He is!

Prayer.

Prayer.

God has been speaking to me a lot over the past two months about this. Not in many words but in a still soft voice that keeps asking me why I don't pray more, why I read my Bible, write in my journal then proceed to get up and say I'll pray while I drive or soak in the shower. I say I want to hear from Him but do I take the time to really listen?

And He has been showing me how many people I am surrounded by that need prayer. Friends with loved ones passing away, broken families, friends and co-workers lost and in need of the Savior's love and forgiveness. I want to be the kind of prayer warrior that lifts up those around me continually, not just in words but in spirit. This last year it seems as though every time I turn around someone I know loses a loved one, or someone else knows someone seriously ill, tragedies seem to keep increasing. I know this is in part because I am growing older, know more people, and the people I know are growing older, but its still hard and raises my awareness of our mortality. This life is much shorter than I acknowledge most days, because lets face it, its much easier to say yea I know life is short, then push it away and continue living as if tomorrow is a guarantee. God has also heightened my awareness for the lost. I know that there are many lost at my work and school, and I lift their souls up in prayer. But a few months ago, I opened my eyes and realized, the lost weren't just at work or school or the grocery store, they were in my family. That hits much closer to home to realize that every holiday you are a witness to your own family, and that while you have been telling yourself they are a christian and dismissing the truth, they have not been walking with God. I realized with clarity that I needed to pray for my family, that I couldn't just close my eyes and say but they are a christian so I am sure they will get through this and turn away from the sin they are pursuing. I saw for the first time that they were as lost as my co-workers and classmates, and just as much in need of prayer and the Lord's forgiveness and strength.

So in short I realized that I was surrounded by people who needed God, redeemed or walking in sin, aware of the Lord or blind, on the mountain or the valley, surrounding by life or grieving because of death, both my christian brothers and sisters and the lost sheep need God's grace, peace, forgiveness, mercy, strength, comfort, redemption, and LOVE. I don't pray 12 hrs a day, or 8, or even 4 probably, but I am not keeping time on my prayer life. However, I have begun to lift my voice and prayers to the Lord more throughout each day, when He brings people to my mind who are struggling, instead of worrying my bottom lip and thinking oh I hope they are ok, I lift my voice to my Heavenly Father and say "God, please help them! Please intervene if its Your will! Please comfort them! Please use this situation that they might see You! Please open their eyes to Your love and redemption! Show them Your plan for their life!"

My prayer life has so far to go to be where I know God wants it, He wants to talk to me continuously, to always be in fellowship with me, and I am the one who hasn't given Him more time in my day. My prayer life will always have room for improvement, but I once again recognize that talking to God is just as important as reading the Word, because communication is VITAL to a good, strong, and lasting relationship.

In addition to realizing the weaknesses in my prayer life, another thing I have been learning from the LORD is the power of prayer. I have been reading Isaiah and now Jeremiah and it amazes me how merciful the LORD is to our cries and prayers. How often He turned back His wrath because of a righteous man's plea for mercy.

So I will close by encouraging you to think about the people in your own life, do you pray for them? Do you pray with them? Do you pray? How often? Ask the LORD to challenge you and convict you if, like me, you realize your prayer life isn't where you want it to be. The church of Jesus Christ, us, His body, need to build each other up and strengthen one another in prayer for this battle is not easy, and join together to pray for our lost and sinful world.
May God Bless.