I have been thinking about a lot of things lately, but am having a hard time formulating them into anything yet. I have been reading in Galatians and Ephesians and so my mind has been on the church and the Holy Spirit a lot. Just been pondering how short this life is and what I am doing for the Lord. What am I doing that is making a difference for His kingdom. I am being challenged in my walk to be more bold and bring the Lord up in normal conversation.That's really hard for me, and I don't know if its the fear of their opinion, or the fear that they will have questions I don't have the answer to or fear I won't know how to introduce the topic...am I ashamed of Him? Something I ask myself, if I am not, then why don't I say what is in my heart? Why don't I tell everyone I meet about the joy God fills me with each morning? What holds me back? This is an area God has been convicting me heavily in, and I can't say I am improving by much, in fact I don't know if I am improving at all, but I feel a great stirring within me to be more bold, to be more willing, to tell people about the Hope I have in Christ.
I was homeschooled from fourth grade up and graduated with a co-op of other homeschooled seniors. There were about 20 of us. Last week one of the girls I graduated with died of a seizure. This has been on my mind a lot this past week. I didn't really know her well, I had never made the effort to be her friend, because I thought I knew what kind of person she was, and I didn't think she was a good candidate for a friend of mine. What a judging person I am. She is dead, and I will never know until I see her in heaven, what kind of person she really was. I never listened to what was in her heart, I just judged what I saw and what I thought I knew. Maybe I was right on some of the things I thought about her, but ultimately that doesn't matter, what matters is that I never even made the effort to see where her heart was. This has been very convicting for me.
What does God ask of us? He asks that we love Him. If we Love Him, we will follow after Him and His commandments, and we will share Him with everyone. So why is this one thing He asks of us- to love Him- so very difficult for most of us?
We have this fire and this passion to reach the lost, to save the world, and yet something holds us back, and we live our common lives without stepping out of the glass box we've chained ourselves to. God has set us free, free from all bondage, what keeps us from embracing that freedom and living our lives in a supernatural way? It doesn't have to be something huge. Something small like giving the lady at Wendy's a tract is Huge! Don't believe me? Try doing it. Its hard. Its hard when you see people or have customers at work to not just end the conversation with "have a nice day," but to add "God Bless you" these seem like small insignificant things. But you wanna know how I know they are not small and insignificant? Because if they were- satan wouldn't care. It wouldn't be sooo hard for us to do if it was no big deal. Our hesitation is satan trying to keep us from living our every day surrendered and on fire for the Lord.
I think I have mentioned before that I have struggled a lot with doubts throughout my life. Doubts of God's existence etc.. its so weird to me because I even will wonder if I really believe or if I have deceived myself into just thinking I believe. I know that sounds weird, but I guess its the whole "am I really changed?" and with the way my flesh rears up sometimes, its not wonder. However, Christ's victory in my life, and the fact that its a fight, and not just a losing battle everyday is evidence of His work in me. Sometimes I just have to quiet the questions inside of me that want to created fear and hesitation and simply trust God that He is true, and that my faith and salvation are real and sincere and that I am changed. These are matters of faith, and I need to pray for God's gift of faith a lot more than I do.
I have been also going through the Gospels on podcast on my drive to school, and am now in Acts. And something that has been piercing my thoughts a lot is the question, "If I had lived when Jesus was a man on earth, would I have believed?" My flesh tells me I would not have, but my spirit asks me why I would not, if I believe now. It is hard for me to understand, I have loved the Lord and believed in Him for so long, I don't even remember what drew me to Him. I know that sounds strange, but I grew up in a christian home and accepted the Lord when I was 5. I don't remember honestly what first made me love God. I know that many times I turned to Him out of fear of damnation, out of prayer for rescue from Hell. I guess the point I am trying to get at is, since I don't really remember what is was that brought me to the Lord, it is hard for me be able to see what my actions might have been on the day Jesus walked this earth. Perhaps it is something I am not to ponder, something I can never know, something best left alone, but it is something that weighs on my spirit, for I want to believe that no matter what circumstance or time that I would always follow God. My spirit says I would, but my flesh says I am sinful and would rebel. I don't know why I share this really, its just something that has been in my thoughts now and then, I suppose it really comes down to me searching out my salvation and what is within me, what forces battle, who is and will win, and what my true desires and motives are.
It is a quest for truth.
"It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery."
"For through the Spirit we eagerly await by faith the righteousness for which we hope. For in Christ Jesus neither circumcision nor uncircumcision has any value. The only thing that counts is faith expressing itself through love."
" You, my brothers and sisters, were called to be free. But do not use your freedom to indulge the flesh[a]; rather, serve one another humbly in love."
"So I say, walk by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the flesh."- Galatians 5
Is the way I live my life focused on my reputation- so that others will like me, or is it determined by my availability to to share the gospel with them? In other words, do I live every moment, is every action for other's to take pleasure in? Or is everything I say and do for the sole purpose of enhancing Christ's Kingdom?
" Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us with every spiritual blessing in the heavenly places in Christ"
"In Him we have redemption through His blood, the forgiveness of sins, according to the riches of His grace which He made to abound toward us in all wisdom and prudence, having made known to us the mystery of His will, according to His good pleasure which He purposed in Himself, that in the dispensation of the fullness of the times He might gather together in one all things in Christ, both which are in heaven and which are on earth—in Him. In Him also we have obtained an inheritance, being predestined according to the purpose of Him who works all things according to the counsel of His will, that we who first trusted in Christ should be to the praise of His glory."
" In Him you also trusted, after you heard the word of truth, the gospel of your salvation; in whom also, having believed, you were sealed with the Holy Spirit of promise, who is the guarantee of our inheritance until the redemption of the purchased possession, to the praise of His glory."- Ephesians 1
Anyways those are some of the things on my heart lately. Please feel free to leave comments on what God has been teaching you or any thoughts you have on these matters! :) God Bless!
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